My friend tried to put me on the bachelor
Overall my dating life isn’t great. In my dream world I would meet a great guy organically but I live in NYC and don’t think people here do that anymore. Knowing that, onto the dating apps I go.I’m on Bumble, Hinge and The League... I don't typically have a lot of luck with those either. Sometimes I get a match, most of the time I don't. Sometimes they respond to me, most of the time they don't. Sometimes when I am out at happy hour with my girlfriends they take it upon themselves to try and match with and message guys for me. Well, sometimes it works and they send nice messages... most of the time they are very sarcastic which isn't far off of my personality but not great for a first impression. For a quick look at some of what they do, here you go:
So they swing from "what spice girl would you do?" to comparisons of their dads & if they own orange seersucker... Things could be worse though, I could be dating a total loser (which I just got out of a not great relationship). So this is part of their way to cheer me up. Of course, along the way of course we find some real gems of humans that I don't match with but its always good for a laugh. Here are a few of those gems:
Now, I promise you if you read what they say, and my commentary (funny to you or not) I just cant really deal with it anymore. Let me just go down the list of reasons why:
- I am going to guess the total lie is that his cousin is Jimmy Fallon but still I don't believe you lived in PR for three years...
- Aren, I just want to know if you will be my personal trainer for free. No I will not be paying you in sexual favors either.
- Black Card at SweetGreen... Do tell me more, but are you a huge tool? Probably unfortunately.
- Open relationship as in what... As in she will be on dates with us, as in you are trying to have a threesome, as in your girlfriend doesn't know you are on here...
- Dream dinner guest is your father, please pull more at my heartstrings.
- I didn't know camp counselor was a profession, learn something new every day. He probably also has some dead bodies in the freezer.
- Calling it now, he takes roids and we all know what that means ladies.
- Nursing student + musician = never around. I could get onboard with that but I like attention too much.
- You want to talk about aliens, fine. You want my credit card information,... hard pass boo.
- White Claw in the streets & four loko in the sheets. I have to be honest, Ive seen the way you boys act while drinking four loko and I don't think I want an energized drunk in the sheets with me.
- Sir, if you are asking me not to catfish you, I'm guessing you are a catfish even with you over 3,000 followers on Instagram.
- Im sorry mister always at the gym and corny jokes, what kind of phone is that?
So, after all of this what is a girl to do? I am not saying I want to be on the fast path to engagement, I would say I am looking for a nice fun guy to spend time with. I feel like that shouldn't be too hard but I prove myself wrong every single day on that one. Don't get me wrong, I am sure there are a ton of good guys out there (on dating apps or not) I just seem to get all of the crazy ones (soon I'll do a post on my last two lovely ex's).
After a few glasses of wine with friends we tend to get a bit goofy and joke around. We just happened to be joking about The Bachelor, which I know has a huge cult following, I just happen to not be a part of that cult. We decided that I would be perfect on that show, in a half joking, half supportive way. I come to find out over the next week my friends actually submitted me to be a contestant...
Want to know why they said I should be on the show?
Apparently, I am a touch crazy and would make for great TV. In addition to that, I can't pick for myself so maybe if someone else picked for me it would go better.
Do I disagree with them, absolutely not, I actually think its hysterical they went ahead and did this. They are pretty on point with why I should be on the show. I am a bit crazy, and would make for not just good but fantastic television. Not because I would be crazy and crying but because I would be oddly manipulative in the house with the girls and just keep them guessing, which in turn woudl drive the other girls insane. To their second point of not being able to pick a partner for myself, well, maybe thats true...
They went on to submit the online form as well as mail in the application, the last step is to film a 10 minute video. My internal dialogue, is wondering what I would possibly do or talk about for ten minutes, I do get very self conscious. However, when I said that to a strategist at work, she literally burst out laughing at that statement. In general I am very bubbly, outgoing and can talk anyones ear off. The thought of submitting a video of myself, about myself for ten minutes is quite overwhelming.
Well, why focus on work when we can be silly and talk about what could be in my bachelor introduction tape. I know my friends submitted the digital version of the application & we just need to send in the video portion of things. Overall we have no idea what we should be posting for the video so bring on the suggestions. Maybe during the quarantine I'll do it for fun since you know "my selections for myself are not good".
On the other hand, when I mentioned this jokingly to my mother she asked me when I had a lobotomy... What do you guys think? Should I do an audition tape and post it here?